An Answer to Anger
I’ve dealt with angry responses to life for a long time. Things don’t go right and I blow up. A rush of energy that requires a release surges through me faster than a sports car accelerating. It leads to greater issues than what I blew up about.
I don’t remember a year in school where I wasn’t bullied by someone from kindergarten to graduation. Joining the military went well until I went to my duty station after months of tech training. Once there, I felt bullied again. I was the only female on a tech job in a building where the other females were secretaries or switchboard operators. The guys already busted on one of the crew about having a wife that competed in weight lifting. It didn’t help that I was a nerdy, strong farm girl with no idea how to deal with this.
It led to me going to a psychologist because I had no idea how to tell the higher ups, all men, what I was dealing with. I was used to a father that had no qualms with me helping around the farm. The psychologist was male and he thought I was just homesick. No, I just wanted to do my job and be able to enjoy it. I couldn’t be like the guy that did nothing and got away with it. I’m even antsier when bored. I still am, but thankfully I’m not bored these days.
College went swell because, you guessed it, I wasn’t bored. I enjoyed what I was learning. My first job wasn’t bad because it had a lot of great IT and telecom tech to learn about. However, I found I still exploded over things. They sent me to see a psychologist for anger management twice. The first time it was to a guy that acted like it didn’t matter and his office looked downright temporary, with no personal stuff around and nothing on the walls. It turns out they closed that office soon after my visit. I remember little of the next time, but it wasn’t more than a couple of sessions for some other reason.
I grew angrier no matter what I tried. Nothing worked. I felt like an outsider, even with friends. It’s hard to have relationships when you can’t figure yourself out. I have had some that lasted through all that, but I can count them on one hand. I’ve always had tons of acquaintances in my life because I am outgoing. The getting really close thing was the hard part.
Then I found Jesus and knew He was what I needed. He filled in that hole in my heart that nothing else could. I think we all have a hole inside that is meant for a connection to God through Jesus, where the Holy Spirit can indwell us. Once I had this connection, I still had anger issues. However, now I knew where to turn and the church I first joined had a female counselor. This time, I reached out for help with anger management rather than being sent to it.
She had a great study book, but she only gave me copies of the chapter she wanted me to study between our first and second meetings. Like any counselor, she tried to be sure I did more of the talking and sorting out my issues. After all, none of them can get in your head to know your thoughts. I had to dive in and determine my truths and what I based them on. Much of my issue came from not doing things God’s way, always wanting to be a fixer even when it wasn’t my job, and having little patience for the cycling of others stuck in negativity. I was weirdly positive even when angry a lot.
Upon my second session, she told me I didn’t need her for anger management. I had the key and knew it. It was a relationship with Jesus.
Joining that church was the best thing I did right after accepting Jesus. It had a foundation class running at the time I joined. It had a group of women that accepted me in and gave me friendship. I was discipled through everything. Good thing because, as I mentioned before, my first year as a Christian was full of many changes and trials. Some of it caused by things I had no control over at all, so Miss Fix-it had to rethink life.
A journey with Christ in learning who God meant you to be requires peeling off one layer at a time. Get rid of this bad thing, uncover another. I had a lot of bad habits to break. I still have some to figure out, but I’m closer to the core than I was. At this point, I rather chafe under a little discipline rather than flounder around in a world that says you can make up your truth. No, you can’t. I know because I tried, and I became angrier about it all. Now that I have my feet on a firm foundation of truth with God, I can learn what I need to change and feel secure.
Jesus has proved to be the answer to everything that confounded me in like. His way led me to knowing who I was meant to be. I’ve overcome a lot, but always have more to learn. It is a marathon, not a sprint to reach the person who He meant you to be. I’m glad some things go faster, but the hard-learned lessons have stuck the best.
If we are feeling angry and confused with life, all we have to do is reach out to God. Be ready for a truth that confounds the world, but brings the greatest peace when we stop thinking like the world wants us to. I’m glad I dove in head first with God because it led to far greater things in life I never expected or only dreamed of. You can experience the same thing if you give Him a chance.